..K A T..

I am 26. My name is Kathleen, not Katherine, dammit.

I smoke too much and I feel bad about it. Ready to quit but I am scared. I am an addict.

It has taken me forever to finish college, partly because I was scared to start when I finished high school and part because I was taking care of my father and part because I was living with someone who discouraged me from going and part because I didn't know what I wanted to do and mostly now it takes me a long time because I work forty hours a week and I can't take a full load of classes and still sleep at night. I get discouraged because I want to finish and I feel left behind my myself and by my peers.

I have credit card debt because when I was in my early twenties I was a fool and I was poor, and hell, I am still "college-student paying off her bills" poor. It depresses me more than anything but I am trying.

I have been drinking too much on weekends lately because I date a lot and my dates always buy me drinks and I don't say no. I have slept with people that I couldn't even tell you their last names. I was always been protected with condoms but that didn't mean they couldn't have killed me or raped me. I have just been lucky.

I have had three failed long term relationships not including little ones in between those that didn't work out. Since I was 16 I have been single for a grand total of ten months. I was a serial monogamist because I was always afraid of being alone no matter how terrible the relationship was. I have always gone for the bad boy or the mean boy. Men have never been that nice to me except one who chose to listen to me but got pushed away. They have drugged me, molested me, abused me, neglected and forgotten me and I keep going back to them. I cringe at the thought of letting boys get close to me anymore. Relationships terrify me now. I am burned and jaded.

I am full-figured. I have wide hips and big butt and thighs and a tummy. I was always a chunky kid. I have lost over 100 lbs but I am not skinny.

My left breast is a little smaller than my right one.

My skin hates me. I get razor bumps easy when I shave my girlie spots and they hurt like a bitch and I keep doing it anyway because I am told that is what men like. I get tired of torchering myself for the sake of not being rejected but I keep doing it out of fear of being rejected. My skin is really sensitive. I can't use foundation on my face or I will break out and my skin will turn red and burn. I have a lot of little scars from abusing my skin when I was younger and some from cutting myself too. Red ink for tattooing makes my skin itch for a long time because I am allergic to it. Eventually it stops. I need a pedicure because I walk around barefoot on concrete all the time. I have fine laugh lines and small mole on my forehead between my eyebrows.

I have dyed my hair too much. When I find a split end I cut it off immediately. I hate my hair. It is baby fine.

I am a recovering bulimic and, honestly, I miss doing it. It's as hard as quitting smoking to not let myself do it anymore. I feel guilty about it because I recycle and I donate to charities (when I can afford to) and I am a socialist who wants to help everyone but it is a waste of food when people are starving to death. I feel like a hypocrite.

I am frantic, eccentric, eclectic, crazy, happy, lonely, scared, scarred, depressed, anxious, hungry, tired, guilty, but trying. I don't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just have to admit to myself who I am and what I have become whether by my own choice or by fate so that I can continue to change everything that I can for the better. I am a lot of things but I am still grateful to have a job to make money at, family and friends who love me, a home and bed, internet!, a car, food on my table, and a camera.